Do you know the feeling, when you almost can’t breathe?
Your mind is racing, your heart is racing, your muscles are tense and your throat is tight.
It’s like someone or something – perhaps even life in fact – is choking you.
Slowly but ever so surely.
Someone who cares sees the alarm in your eyes, and asks if you’re ok. You say you’re fine, even though you’re not. And you keep on trucking.
Ploughing through a life that looks good, great even, on the outside, but on the inside feels like a glorified prison.
You are constantly doing things because you think you “should”, because others, or what you think is your own voice, but you know really isn’t, SAYS you should.
And there is a feeling of constant guilt, because you can never fully please everyone, let alone yourself!
You feel the pull of what your soul really wants, then promptly ignore it, push it away, push it down, sticking to your rational pre-conceived plans and ideas. The “shoulds”.
Then it comes back up again. You push it down again.
Maybe with food, with work, with distraction information/media, shopping, sex, super intense workouts, whatever is available in the moment.
And the hollowness only deepens. You wonder if anyone else can see it, if they’ve noticed the change in you.
Or if it’s only you who feels it following you around, like an inescapable shadow.
The truth is, the anxiety, the hollowness, it’s all a gift.
It’s a calling, telling you to wake the up, stop f***ing around, pretending, and do what you’re really here to do.
To step into your power and your full potential.
IT’S TIME TO STOP PRETENDING.
It’s time to get out of your head and into flow.
It’s time to step into your power.
And not the kind of power that just looks good on paper, but the kind that FEELS LIKE MAGIC.
That ignites and engages every cell in your body and every facet of your soul.
Imagine being able to make ALL your decisions and choices based not on what you think you should do, or chose yesterday, or what looks good on paper, but what you actually crave and deeply desire.
And pssst… want to know the paradox? You’ll end up looking better on paper too. Ha!
There is SO much FIRE and wisdom and flow inside you that you’re not currently accessing or receiving, because you’ve spent far too long now saying f*** you to it.
If someone kept knocking at your door and you kept saying f*** you, do you think they would keep coming back?
Here are some of the messages you might have been hearing but doing your best to pretend not to (or straight up saying f*** you to):
THIS IS NOT YOUR PASSION.
THIS BUSINESS/JOB IS NOT FOR YOU.
YOU DON’T BELONG AT THIS/A DESK.
THAT PERSON YOU’RE JEALOUS OF – IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE MEANT TO BE DOING THAT TOO.
YOU ARE WORTHY OF YOUR DREAMS.
THIS RELATIONSHIP IS NOT FOR YOU.
THIS RELATIONSHIP IS AN EPIC IDEA EVEN IF IT TERRIFIES YOU.
YOU BELONG ON THAT STAGE.
THIS FRIEND LOOKS GREAT ON PAPER BUT IS IN ACTUAL FACT NOT FOR YOU AND SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF YOU.
THIS FRIEND IS A BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING WHO ADORES YOU; THIS FEELS GOOD.
IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU’VE KNOWN THIS PERSON FIVE MINUTES THEY’RE AMAZING AND YOU NEED TO SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER.
YOU ARE HERE TO WRITE THAT BOOK. TO SHARE YOUR MESSAGE, WIDE AND FAR.
WHAT YOU REALLY NEED RIGHT NOW IS YOGA/LOVE/SEX/FRESH AIR.
YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK AND A WALK IN NATURE AND LISTEN TO THE BIRDS SINGING.
DON’T EAT THAT SH*T, EAT THIS GOODNESS!
STOP RESISTING YOUR POWER.
IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO RISE.
YOU ARE DESTINED FOR SO. MUCH. MORE. DON’T YOU SEE?
And then when you refuse to listen, after not very long:
* Your body hurts
* You feel heavy
* You feel anxious
* You feel uninspired
* You feel inexplicably tired, even if you’ve had loads of sleep
* That amazing sparkle in your eyes dims and you find yourself looking at the floor more instead of the sky – literally and metaphorically – and feeling less optimistic
* You get sick often, and over time chronic illnesses may emerge (visible or invisible)
* You find yourself snapping at people and perhaps even getting downright angry and resentful
* Your creativity appears to have died, and your amazing ideas stop flowing
* You start to droop like a sad dehydrated flower, both physically and spiritually
* The magic of flow eludes you
* You wonder if THIS I really it? If this is all there is?
How do I know? Because for years this was my life, even when it didn’t appear so on the outside.
I too ignored the nudges. Over, and over, and over, and over.
Until I didn’t.
I decided enough was enough, and I began to tune in and step into flow…
More, and more, and more, until I got my Definitely Definitely life. In all areas.
And I know what it takes to get you there too. And what’s available to you on the other side.
Here’s what is available to you when you get into Flow:
* Your body feels amazing all the time, the kind of amazing you used to only feel on holiday
* You eat from the soul and eat only things that make you feel amazing, including entirely random things at times just because your soul said so
* You stop craving anything that doesn’t deeply nourish you: food, experiences, people, environments, anything
* You have more energy than you’ve ever had in your life!
* You magnetise your soulmate people, all over the place, including in the most unexpected and mundane of places, they just keep appearing
* You effortlessly repel people who are not a fit for you and healthy boundaries become SO easy and guilt-free for you
* You get huge and powerful hits of inspiration, flow, creativity and freedom
* You are able to create the situations, experiences and results you REALLY WANT TO CREATE, and 10X faster than ever
* You are an epically inspiring leader, even when you’re not trying or think you’re just chilling
* You stop having to force things or to try so hard to get any given result
* You make more money, and have way more fun doing so
* You feel free in a way you’ve never felt before, like you’ve spent all of your life prior in a prison and now you’re dancing through the meadows like a newly liberated lamb that’s just found its footing
* You are inspired, ignited and UNLEASHED
* You get the life OF YOUR DREAMS
Are you ready for the life of your dreams?
My Definitely Definitely Flow program kicks off July 14th and is for you if you’re yearning for FREEDOM, FLOW AND IMPACT LIKE NEVER BEFORE.
Work with me personally for 4 weeks to harness your power, liberate yourself from the confines of what you think you “should” do, release anxiety, and start creating what your body and soul are truly hungry for, guilt free.
Start jumping out of bed in the morning and feeling fully ignited and on fire, for possibly the first time ever.
It’s what you’re here for and it’s what’s been calling to you all this time.
Message me for details and to learn how to get in.
Spots are limited as you get private client access to me throughout, so message me quickly!
This article is about the darkness behind the scenes of success, that hardly anybody talks about. It is inspired by the sad suicide of Kate Spade yesterday.
It’s easy to assume that when someone has a life that looks shiny and beautiful on the outside… One where certain external and objective measures of success have been met. That they surely, SURELY they will be happy on the outside.
And that if they are not, they are surely a tragically ungrateful or broken anomaly.
This is one of the most flawed and pervasive assumptions in existence.
We apply it to others, and so too to ourselves in moments of weakness. When I have X, then I’ll feel amazing. That person has X, so they must be feeling amazing. Or, I have X, so I have to feel amazing every day! Or even, I had X, and now I don’t have X, so how can I possibly feel amazing?!
This is so far from the truth.
In reality, I’ve noticed a few things about human beings, in particular high and super-high achievers, that are relevant here.
One, is that the higher one rises, the higher the stakes are, the higher the standards, the bigger the decisions, the smaller the margin for error, and the more likely one becomes to experience inner turmoil that are often bound to these concerns. The turmoil is not a necessity or an inevitability, but it is a very real risk. And without established outlets, such as nourishing routines and rituals to balance the body and mind, and a dedicated, trusted confidant who one can confide in with no fear of judgment or recrimination – this pressure can build and build to the point of self-destruction.
The second, is that life consists of multiple areas and facets. And, you guessed it, some sense of balance is integral to happiness. Some areas and facets are not visible externally, in particular the areas of mindset, beliefs, creative fulfilment and the intricacies of personal relationships. And when these are out of whack, it doesn’t matter how great the other areas are. One can feel utterly hopeless and lost. I have had CEOs of major global corporations crying down the phone to me because there are beliefs or areas behind the scenes that aren’t working that no one else close to them has any idea about. But *they* have been feeling the pain daily. The heaviness, the darkness and the artificial – yet palpable – sense of constraint.
Thirdly, I’ve also noticed that not all – but many – high achievers seek – originally at least – to achieve in order to feel good about themselves or to obtain approval from caregivers they didn’t feel approved of by. They feel a fundamental “not enoughness” and it is a huge component to their extraordinary drive to do and be more. This pattern of achieving is both addictive, and never, ever satisfied. It’s no secret that many super achievers come from challenging backgrounds where they sought both to transcend their original circumstances and also validation in the absence of it being present during their childhood.
Challenging backgrounds can be financial, emotional, physical, sexual, you never know what has gone on behind the scenes of a person’s youth. But when drive comes from this place, one can then of course go on to achieve huge amounts, but if the underlying feeling of invalidation is not rectified, cycles of crippling self doubt will continue to pervade. From this place, you might have a bad day, month or year, or one or two areas of life may be out of whack, and in your eyes, you become worthless. I’ve worked with many exceptional achievers who under the surface have crippling self doubt and insecurity to cure these kind of cycles.
Furthermore, the same high standards that drive super-achieving are the same high standards that, can – left unchecked – make us unrelenting with ourselves and others, such that nothing is ever fully good enough. Like an inner hungry, angry lion that can never be satiated and yet continues to hunt for more and more and more prey, wreaking destruction and chaos along the way.
Wherever one’s concerns are coming from, however deep and unavoidable they may feel, they can be mitigated. The importance of nurturing our psychological and spiritual selves, and having confidants to rely on cannot be emphasised enough. I know for myself, without my partner, my coaches and advisors, I would not feel the sense of steadiness or serenity I do amidst the entrepreneurial rollercoaster and all that I’m up to.
The darkness behind the scenes is actually the number one reason I started Definitely Definitely, to help people have an internal experience of life that matches the outsides – and so to, to have outsides that don’t just look great but are exactly what THEY desire and yearn for. And not just what they desired last year, last month, or last decade, in a totally different space and time, from ego or fear, or any other form of projection, but what they authentically desire now, on a deep soul level. It has expanded to so much more, but this remains – and will continue to remain – my number one priority with any work that we do.
If you’d like to have a chat about your goals and what coaching can do for you, book a call in my calendar here.
Many people like to say that overwhelm is a result of doing too many things, ALL of the things even, and never stopping for a breath.
But I’ve noticed something altogether different.
I’ve noticed it’s not actually about the quantity of things you’re doing at all. Sure, doing a million things lacks selectiveness which is essential to a live of thrival. But fundamentally I’ve noticed that it’s never about doing a million things. A number of things only start to feel like a million things, when we’re doing the wrong things. Things that aren’t Definitely Definitelys.
Overwhelm comes up simply when situations start to amass where we haven’t actually listened to what our soul wants to do, but instead we’ve gone along with what we said we’d do or think we should do, or with what the loudest shouting person says they need us to do.
Every time you feel something, good or bad, and you ignore it, and take the opposite action, pushing your feelings down, rejecting them, your soul wails. Weakens. Dims its sparkle. Often silently, for a while. Until suddenly it’s yelling. At the smallest thing. At people you love. And then you’re being who you sure as hell don’t want to be, eating what you don’t really want to eat, taking misaligned actions all over the place, and wondering what happened to the real you? Where did the real you go?
And the more situations where you haven’t expressed yourself or acted in alignment in a given day, week, month, or year, the more the bank of evidence that you do not actually honour or fully respect your feelings or desires, and the more the overwhelm you will feel – in direct correlation – and the more out of alignment your actions will continue to be.
Until that is, you choose to wake up – fully – and decide enough is enough. That you are worthy of a life filled to the brim with Definitely Definitelys, and nothing but them.
And when you do, sure enough after a while, you find yourself in a life when you’re doing only things that you WANT to be doing, only the things that feel aligned. And it really doesn’t matter how much you’re doing. You can be busier than ever, but feeling zero overwhelm. In pure flow. Actually feeling and noticing that the more you do, the more ignited you feel, because every single thing is a hell yes and feeds you, creating a positive feedback loop.
Expressing – and then taking aligned action – on your truth is the number one most essential adjustment to eliminating overwhelm. Saying yes to what you really want to say yes to, and saying no to what you really want to say no to.
If it’s still fairly new to you, as it was to me four years ago, I recommend starting with writing. In the morning, write out what you’re feeling and what you really want to create. Write out anything you feel worried about or that doesn’t feel in alignment (anything that isn’t a Definitely Definitely). Anything that in an ideal world, you wouldn’t be doing anymore.
You won’t necessarily be able to cut out all the the things you want to immediately, it can take time, but even just letting yourself feel what you feel will start to provide a healing release that will shift your energy enormously, and enable you to put the building blocks in place to move away from anything you want to. Which, by the way, can happen faster than you can possibly imagine right now.
Then, practice expressing yourself about both everything you’re delighted about and everything that doesn’t work for you during the day – and in the moment. (Or for older issues that are not yet resolved, ASAP.) This is a muscle that gets stronger and stronger the more you use it.
Then in the evening, reflect again on what worked and didn’t work, what you’d do differently and say yes or no to if you were to start the day again, and start again tomorrow!
P.S. I’m kicking off something I’ve been thinking about for a while that feels sooooooo good (a total Definitely Definitely): a magical in-person mastermind for founders in London to get together every month for amazing food, accountability, problem solving and co-creating. Send me a direct message me if this is speaking to you.
Are you should-ing on yourself this week?
Telling yourself you “should” keep doing what you’re doing.
That you “should” have that meeting, call that person, tick that thing off your list, tick all of the things off your list.
That you “should” be grateful for what you have.
That you “should” answer every single call and email that comes in instantaneously, while also juggling what you actually planned to get done.
That you “should” be more excited about your day, your business, your life.
That you “should” be able to be in the moment more.
That you “shouldn’t” be too bossy, or too provocative.
That you “shouldn’t” share what you really think.
That you “shouldn’t” rock the boat or cause offence.
That you “shouldn’t” dream too big or get too big for your boots.
That you “shouldn’t” be greedy.
That you “should” be able to settle and enjoy what you have.
But also that you “should” be a multi-millionaire or billionaire by now.
That you “should” do X, Y, Z today. The same things you always do. That just don’t excite you anymore. And you “should” still enjoy them, but clearly there’s something wrong with you?
Here’s the thing.
Shoulding on yourself is EXHAUSTING. It literally slowly but very surely kills your body and soul.
Shoulding is not energising or activating or alivening. It’s heavy, dark, and steeped in obligation rather than inspiration.
The only things you actually NEED to do are eat, sleep, breathe and pay your bills. And if you’re a parent, to also look after your children.
Everything else is a CHOICE. How you make the money to pay your bills. What you eat, where and how, what air you breathe, where you sleep, and who with, etc.
Shoulds are wholly unnecessary.
Us human beings are very good at convincing ourselves that we’re stuck. And it’s just a huge inauthenticity. Unless you’re in prison superglued to the floor, you’re not stuck.
I spent a long time shoulding on myself then wondering why I felt tired and heavy no matter how much yoga I did or green juice I drank.
Guess what, it was all that damn shoulding!
For example, I LOVED living in New York City, which I did for two and a half years. But I also knew that while I often enjoyed and was enormously grateful for my job and many of my colleagues, by the two year point, the trajectory I was on wasn’t for me anymore. I loved being intellectual and strategic but I also wanted to use my intuition and sensitivity more, and mostly I had to switch them off to be effective in the corporate world. I also knew my future husband wasn’t there, he was in London, and that my family needed me.
When I stopped telling myself I “should” stay, and “should” still be in love with my life, and instead let myself feel what I actually felt, it was like a ten ton weight lifted off me.
A self-inflicted one.
I felt like a bird flying for the first time, when she’s only ever walked, but thought she’d been flying.
As I released myself from the prison of “shoulds”, which I’d created myself, and started creating what I actually yearned for and desired, I got to feel and notice and intuit and CREATE more and more and more of what I really wanted. It was a huge snowball effect.
My brain started working even more effectively. My creativity and ingenuity began flowing. I gained access to skills and resources I didn’t even know I had before. I became more open, patient and loving, both with myself and others.
And from there everything I’d ever desired began to flow. Easily and naturally. No pushing. No hustling. No shoulding. Just flow.
Of course I still have to catch myself sometimes, noticing a “should” thought creeping up, and promptly blitz and replace it. But I’m certainly not living in Should Prison anymore. And I have to tell you, it’s amazing.
Are you living in Should Prison? Externally appearing to be free but inside, feeling constrained and constricted?
Enough is enough. 🚫
I’m doing something really exciting I’ve never done before for leaders yearning for freedom and flow and impact like never before.
Work with me for 4 weeks to plan your escape, liberate yourself from the confines of what you think you “should” do, and start creating what your body and soul are truly hungry for.
Send me a direct message for details and the investment information. Spots are limited as the programme includes unlimited access to me, so message quickly! We start in just under two weeks.
On hearing these words from my yoga teacher yesterday at The Life Centre, I was reminded how much of the exercise I’ve done in my life has been to punish or to test my body.
To make it jump through hoops to prove itself.
What a way to relate to your forever home.
But for the last three years, it’s been different.
I’ve worked out because it feels good to.
Both mentally and physically.
I move because my body likes to move, to stretch, to feel unleashed and free.
I have come to genuinely love and adore my body.
It’s a continual commitment though, as opposed to a challenge surmounted once and never again.
Sometimes I notice myself talking sh*t to my body, or trying to make her do something she REALLY doesn’t want to do, and I have to catch myself and re-direct my intentions and actions.
Recently my body’s been saying no to a bunch of things, and I noticed myself getting frustrated.
Then I realised, is this helpful?
Is this honouring my body or encouraging her to play ball?
Is this inspiring a kind and mutually beneficial relationship?
If I spoke to a friend this way, would they feel loved and appreciated?
Turns out not. Definitely not to the degree that is in full alignment with the love and appreciation I truly have for my amazing body, my forever home.
So I choose love all over again.
I can’t promise I won’t slip up again, but I promise to notice and correct course quickly.
Not just for me, but for every body, because how we treat ourselves creates an energetic ripple effect in the world and sets the tone for everything else we do too.
So if you catch me saying anything impatient or unloving to my body, please throw tomatoes at me. You have my full permission.
What intention do you choose to set with your body?